Smile! You son of a…

When I was a child, going to the see a film at the local picture house was a mysterious, exotic adventure, far removed from the multiplex experience of today. Back then, audio visual entertainment at home was limited to a television with three channels, a radio, and a record player. No internet, no Sky TV, no DVDs, no whopping flat screen monitor bolted to the wall, or surround sound audio systems, and no Wii, Playstation or Xbox 360.

Those were the days, when going to the pictures meant visiting your local, Victorian fleapit, complete with ornate stairs and balconies, chandeliers and tiled floors, instead of some faceless, bland multiplex. They knew how to show films in those days, complete with curtains across the screen, an intermission at some arbitrary point around the midsection of the film, and an ice-cream lady who walked into the auditorium carrying snack items and drinks in a tray hanging from her neck, and a torch to light her way.

And, best of all in my opinion, if you arrived late and missed the beginning of the film, well, you just stayed in your seat and watched the next showing until you got to the point where you came in.

One of my earliest memories of going to the movies is hiding behind the seat in the darkened cinema and sobbing helplessly as Pinocchio was locked in the birdcage by Stromboli. I vaguely remember my mother and father discussing in hushed whispers about whether or not to take me home. Fortunately they made me stay, and I saw Pinocchio escape Stromboli’s clutches and go on to achieve his dream of becoming a real boy.

Thank goodness for that. If they had taken me home at the film’s lowest, scariest point, Pinocchio would have remained caged forever in my imagination, thus prolonging my agony.

I remember seeing Carquake, on a double bill with The Giant Spider Invasion, with a bunch of friends, and dodging as the hostile audience hurled projectiles at the screen. That was film criticism for you. I saw The Evil Dead one sunny afternoon with a mate when we should have been at college, and I remember stumbling out into the sunshine afterwards, thinking What the hell was that we just watched? I saw Diamonds are Forever, my first Bond film, at the tender age of 7 or 8. I saw Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood singing (singing for crying out loud!) in Paint your Wagon. And loads of Disney films.

But the film experience I remember more than any other, the one that scarred my brain, and said, ‘you’re going to spend the rest of your life chasing this moment, this feeling, and never quite experiencing it again,’ was Jaws.

I was 10.

My mate’s mum took us both to see it. As I left the house my mother stuffed some tissues in my pocket. By the time I left the cinema those tissues had been shredded to pieces. And yes, like everyone else, I jumped about a foot out of my seat when the head appeared in the hole in the boat.

But the part I want to tell you about, the scene where the magic of cinema reached out and left its indelible mark upon me, was the ending. Quint’s been eaten, and Hooper’s hiding on the seabed behind a rock.

This leaves Brody, Amity’s aquaphobic chief of police, clinging to the Orca’s mast as it slowly sinks, and the shark begins its next pass for dinner. And there I am, ten years old, and practically wetting myself with the suspense.

Of course we all know what happens next: Brody aims the rifle at the approaching shark, at the oxygen tank he shoved in its mouth just a few minutes ago.

“Smile, you son of a…” he says, and fires.

And the shark, improbably, impossibly, explodes.

And you know what happened next, the thing that still sends shivers of delight through me when I remember it?

The audience exploded too. Everybody jumped out of their seats, cheering, clapping, stamping feet, just yelling at the screen as Brody let out his own victory shout, lost beneath the weight of noise we were all making.

And no other film since has ever come close to matching that shared moment of exhilaration, that collective release of tension, that public expression of joy and relief.

So, my question to you is, what is your favourite film experience? That moment when the movie up there on the screen transcended its physical limitations, and became something else, something, perhaps, embedded forever in your heart?

I’d love to know.

 

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Kill List

Kill List starts with a furious argument between husband and wife. We come forearmed with the knowledge that this is a British horror film. We don’t expect it to start with a family dispute, like some low budget kitchen sink drama, but all the shouting and swearing immediately unsettles. Before the movie even kicks into horror mode, (and it’s quite a while before it does, despite the odd moment of foreshadowing) the mood is disconcerting.

Jay and Shel are a married couple with a ten year old boy, living in a boxy, semi-detached in London. Jay has been unemployed for a year, and is slowly going mad at home. Jay’s best mate, laid back, humorous Irishman Gal, brings his new girlfriend, Fiona, around for dinner. The dinner party seems lifted from a Mike Leigh film, as the conversation becomes awkward and tensions ripple beneath the surface.

It is only during the dinner party that we get the first hint of the horror to come when Fiona visits the bathroom. With the door locked she takes a mirror off the wall and inscribes an occult symbol, featured on the posters and heavily throughout the film, onto the back.

Jay and Gal are army buddies, and there are plenty of allusions to a job in Kiev that went very wrong. But, like much else in this mysterious, downbeat film, the specifics of what are left unspoken. But Gal has a new job lined up, and he wants Jay in on it too. One they are both exceptionally suited to.

A kill list.

Now the film veers into hitman thriller territory, although the kitchen sink drama element still runs through the film’s veins. The two friends stay in bland hotels as they travel the country, and have very uncool, unTarantinoesque conversations about painters and decorators, and dirty soap.

The film’s bleak atmosphere is leavened occasionally by brief moments of humour, mainly provided by Gal, played by Michael Smiley from Spaced. My favourite moment is when Jay and Gal decide they have had enough and return to their employer to try and get out of the rest of the contract.

He refuses, and tells them that if they renege on the deal he will murder them, and then their families. Deadpan, Gal replies, “So, no wriggle room then?”

At Kill List’s heart is the wonderfully sketched out relationship between Jay and Gal. In one scene they scrap like schoolboys, and in another, one plants a tender kiss on the other’s forehead. Michael Smiley and Neil Maskell are both excellent in their roles.

I wish I could say more about the plot, but I would end up filling this review with spoilers. Of course the hits don’t go quite as planned, and our two protagonists slowly come to realise that there is more going on than they first realised, as the narrative charts a relentless, downbeat path towards a nasty, deeply unsettling ending.

This is the sort of film that stays with you long after it has finished. In the case of Kill List that finally becomes a weakness as, upon reflection, the story doesn’t quite tie together, and we are left with too many unanswered questions.

But don’t let that put you off. Kill List is the best horror film I have seen for a long time.

 

Should we revisit old friends? Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’

I recently picked up Stephen King’s The Stand in my local library. It’s got to be somewhere around 30 years since I first read that book, a fact of my life which I find far scarier than anything King has written, and he has written some very scary fiction over the years. And so, holding a copy of The Stand, for the first time since I was a teenager, I was suddenly overcome with a severe bout of nostalgia, and decided to borrow it and read it again.

Well, I finished it a couple of days back, and I’m still wondering if I made a mistake.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love The Stand. I think it is a phenomenal work, not just in its epic sweep, but also in the personal, tiny details. I care about the good guys, and despise the bad guys, although none of the villains are truly, one dimensionally evil. Except Randall Flagg, of course, but then he is different. He really is evil personified.

I also love the way many of the subplots dovetail together at various points, and the story arcs that many of the characters go through, adding to, and enriching, the overall complexity of the narrative structure.

But still…

On a second reading, all these years later, I was less blinded by its brilliance, and couldn’t help but notice some of the props behind the stage. Almost like Dorothy, on finally believing that she had found the Wizard of Oz, discovering only a strange little man behind a curtain, breathlessly pulling levers and pushing buttons, striving to create an illusion. The mundane instead of the magic. The artifice behind the wonder.

So where did it go wrong on my second reading? For a start there were all those adverbs. Is the author of The Stand the same Stephen King who, in On Writing, advises avoiding adverbs? I’ll admit, I’ve seen worse, but there were far more adverbs littering The Stand than I am used to from the American master of letters. Enough for me to be distracted from the narrative flow and atmosphere, at times.

Then there were the plot devices.

SPOILER ALERT. I find it hard to believe that Stu Redman, who if I had to single out a main protagonist is the centre piece character, plays absolutely no part in the final showdown between good and evil. No, he falls over and breaks his leg on the way to that showdown.

In fact none of our heroes play a proactive part in the final showdown. Glen Bateman is shot for being too mouthy, and whilst Larry and Ralph at least get to watch the final goings on, handcuffed inside their cages, they exist only as a sacrifice. Trashcan Man and his nuclear warhead would have turned up anyway in the end. Larry and Ralph serve only as a distraction. The big problem I have with that ending is the use of deus ex machina, where, in this case literally, the hand of God intervenes to conclude the conflict. END OF SPOILER ALERT.

But my main gripe with The Stand? It’s so long! Although I didn’t realise until shortly after checking the book out of the library, I was reading the expanded version. Not that King rewrote it to make it longer, apparently it always was longer, but back in 1979 book bindings weren’t strong enough to hold that many pages. So his publishers made King edit it down to a manageable length. It was still a big book, but not as big as it would one day become.

And I think that was the mistake. I have to confess, I skipped a few sections whilst reading this time. There was just too much. It needed editing, and that was what it got the first time around.

I don’t know…

What do you think of The Stand? Should King have stuck with the original version, or do you prefer the expanded one?

And what about this idea of revisiting favourite books, last read many, many years ago? Is it a good idea, or a big mistake?

I’m still not sure.

Be the cassette guy*

Tape and Light, 2nd Effort
Creative Commons License Photo Credit: J E Smith via Compfight

Back in the summer of 1984, I travelled to the island of Guernsey, (located just off the coast of France, but part of British territory, if you’re interested,) to spend a week with a friend who lived there. I lived in the North West of England, which is generally characterized by rain, wind, flat caps, pubs and ferrets.

Guernsey on the other hand, is sunny, beautiful, full of glorious beaches, and, to my provincial mind, impossibly exotic. My mate whizzed me around the tiny island on the back of his motorbike (another exotic experience) and I spent the next few days on the beach, in the bars, meeting new people, and generally having the best time of my life.

One evening, in one of those bars, my mate, Paul, got talking to a friend of his. They had another friend who was a musician and singer. He wrote all his own songs and recorded them onto cassette tapes, (remember those?) which he then carried with him everywhere and sold to anybody who expressed an interest. Continue reading

Five Fantastic Facts and Magnificent Myths about Pirates

Arr harr me hearties! To celebrate the release of my latest novel, The Devil and Edward Teach, I present here five horrible facts (and myths) about pirates.

1. No pirate ever made anyone walk the plank. It never happened! Or, at least if it did, it was never mentioned. Oh, sure, there were plenty of pirates who did much worse to their victims than plank walking, but more of that later. The myth about pirate prisoners being made to walk the plank is thought to have been started by Howard Pyle, with this illustration published in 1887 in Harper’s Monthly.

2. Plenty of men became pirates, but what about the women? Anne Bonny is the most famous, going from being the daughter of a rich plantation owner to becoming a ruthless pirate. Trapped in a miserable marriage in New Providence, Anne was romanced by John ‘Calico Jack’ Rackam, who was seeking a royal pardon for his former piratical career. Unable to persuade her husband to divorce her, Anne ran away with Rackam. At night, with a handful of ‘Calico Jack’s’ old cronies, they slipped aboard a sloop in the harbour. Anne, dressed as a sailor, surprised the two crewmen left on board and threatened to “blow your brains out” if they tried to resist. Soon enough ‘Calico Jack’ was up to his old tricks again, and the two lovers became a scourge of the Caribbean. Continue reading

What on earth would possess anyone to think they could write a novel?

“If you want to write fiction, the best thing you can do is take two aspirins, lie down in a dark room, and wait for the feeling to pass.” – Lawrence Block, Writing the Novel

That’s probably the best writing advice I have ever seen. Pity I didn’t take it.

Do you ever wonder why you write? Aren’t you ever curious about the need that possesses you to sit down and tell lies? But it gets even sillier, doesn’t it? Because, after we have finished writing our lies down, and polishing them until they sort of appear to be true, although they are obviously still blatant untruths, we then ask people if they would like to read them. Oh, and could they please pay us good money for the privilege?

This is insane. Continue reading

Celebrating good writing

Book reviews are useful, aren’t they? Whether written by a professional book reviewer (whatever one of those is) or a reader on Amazon, or in a blog. I very rarely buy a book without reading a review first. There have been exceptions to this over the years, but not many. One was Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. I happened to be walking into my local WH Smiths, and spotted the hardback on the shelf, and its cover called out to me, like a siren enticing a sailor onto the rocks. The beautiful, simple cover design tempted me to part with my money, and fortunately the writing within lived up to the promise of the packaging. Continue reading

It’s all about the readers…Or at least it should be.

It’s all about the readers.

Or at least it should be.

This self-publishing business, it’s a lark, isn’t it? There we were, just a few, short years ago, either paying out horrendous amounts of money per unit printed by using Print on Demand, or paying less per unit by shelling out a small fortune for a large volume of books printed at once, only to finish up with a ceiling warping amount of unsold novels insulating the attic. Continue reading